


ROANBONE.jpg

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, out of character fanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-02
Updated: 2012-03-02
Packaged: 2017-11-01 00:07:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/349818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>... or, "In Which I Try To Write Fanfiction For A Character With Literally One Log".</p><p> </p><p>Fill for the <a href="http://homesmut.livejournal.com/15023.html?thread=31667887#t31667887">kinkmeme</a>:</p><p><i>"because there's yet </i>another<i> character to play around with, and this one's not nice</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>so undyingUmbrage getting all his creep up on timaeusTestified</i></p><p> </p><p><i>because you know how UU cheers? well uu </i>jeers<i>"</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	ROANBONE.jpg

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT]

uu: DIRK.  
uu: DIRK.  
uu: I CAN SEE YOu. I KNOW YOu'RE IGNORING ME. RESPOND.  
TT: Fine.  
TT: What do you want now?  
TT: Have you run out of muppet babies material to wack off to?  
uu: NO.  
uu: I'M GOOD FOR NOW. THANKS.  
TT: Ok.  
uu: I WANT YOu TO SHOW ME YOuR HuMAN PENIS.  
TT: Excuse me?  
uu: CAN YOu NOT READ THE WORDS THAT I HAVE PLAINLY SAID.  
uu: I AM LOOKING AT YOuR SCREEN. THEY ARE STILL THERE.  
TT: I read them, but I'm not sure my brain has fully processed being sexually propositioned by an incredibly choleric alien who has heretofore expressed little emotion other than contempt for me.  
TT: Or anyone.  
TT: Or anything.  
TT: Other than puppet gorn maybe?  
uu: YEAH. YOu'RE A SHIT.  
uu: I DON'T LIKE YOu OR YOuR SLACKJAW FRIENDS.  
uu: PLATONICALLY.  
uu: IN FACT. I STILL PLAN TO FuCK YOu THE HELL uP.  
uu: DON'T THINK THAT'S CHANGED.  
TT: Of course not.  
uu: BuT.  
uu: YOu'RE AN ATTRACTIVELY SHAPED SHIT. AND I'VE DECIDED I WANT TO SEE YOuR ALIEN GENITALIA.  
uu: YOu KNOW BEFORE I KILL YOu.  
TT: That's great.  
TT: I'm really happy for you, dude.  
uu: WHAT??  
TT: (That was me passive-aggressively telling you to fuck off.)  
TT: (And this is me directly telling you to fuck off:)  
TT: (Fuck off.)  
uu: WHAT. NO.  
uu: COME ON. JuST SHOW ME.  
TT: Why do you even need me to show you?  
TT: I just took a piss five minutes ago.  
TT: Roll your obnoxious little timeline back and look yourself.  
uu: I DON'T THINK YOu'RE GETTING THE POINT OF THIS.  
TT: And what, pray tell, would that be?  
uu: I WANT YOu TO SHOW IT. TO ME.  
uu: SPECIFICALLY.  
TT: How about no.

timaeusTestified [TT] blocked undyingumbrage [uu]

uu: LOOK ASSHOLE. YOu KNOW THAT SHIT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING TO ME.  
TT: It was worth a shot.  
TT: Oh well.  
uu: ANYWAY.  
uu: YEAH I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE OBVIOuSLY.  
uu: MAN THAT THING'S WEIRD. LIKE SOMETIMES IT'S SMALL AND FLOPPY AND HANGS OuT ALL THE TIME WHICH SEEMS DANGEROuS HONESTLY.  
uu: BuT THEN IT GETS BIG SOMETIMES JuST RANDOMLY???  
uu: YOu DON'T EVEN HAVE A BACuLuM OR ANYTHING. HOW DOES THAT WORK?? WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH HuMAN PENISES???  
TT: Well.  
TT: With sexual arousal, the erectile tissues of the corpus cavernosum fill with blood and provide the rigidity necessary for penetration.  
TT: So we don't really need one.  
uu: SO IT'S LIKE. THIS MEAT TuBE FuLL OF BLOOD???  
TT: I guess that's pretty close to what it is.  
uu: HAHAHAHA THAT'S FuCKING GROSS DuDE.  
uu: FuCK HuMANS.  
TT: So I take it you don't want to see it anymore?  
uu: NO I DO.  
TT: ... Sigh.  
uu: DuDE WHY WON'T YOu JuST SHOW ME. IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.  
TT: Because you're a fucking lunatic.  
uu: SO?  
TT: I am not interested in you in any sexual capacity.  
uu: SO?????????????????????????  
TT: ...  
TT: Ok.  
TT: I can't block you, but I _can_ ignore your ass the good old fashioned way.  
TT: And that is what I am going to do.  
TT: Starting now.  
uu: WAIT NO.  
uu: AW COME ON MAN.  
uu: LISTEN HuMAN.  
uu: WAIT STOP.  
uu: WHERE ARE YOu GOING??  
uu: NO SIT BACK DOWN.  
uu: OKAY FuCK YOu.  
uu: DON'T THINK THIS IS OVER.

undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering timaeusTestified [TT]

 

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT]

uu: HEY DIRK.  
uu: ARE YOu THERE.  
uu: THAT WASN'T REALLY A QuESTION I KNOW YOu'RE THERE. I'M JuST TRYING TO BE.  
uu: POLITE.  
uu: I uNDERSTAND THAT MY ACTIONS THE OTHER DAY COuLD HAVE BEEN CONSTRuED AS  
uu: _*RuDE*_  
uu: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID IT WAS.  
uu: wow rUde. u_u I'M COPYING AND PASTING THAT LOOK AT THAT.  
uu: OBNOXIOuS RIGHT??? I MEAN LOOK AT THE SHIT I HAVE TO PuT uP WITH.  
uu: AND YOu IGNORING ME.  
uu: IS JuST ONE MORE FuCKING THING.  
uu: THAT I HAVE TO PuT uP WITH.  
uu: AND GOD DAMN I AM NOT A FAN OF PuTTING uP WITH THINGS ALL RIGHT!!  
uu: IN FACT. I DON'T WANT TO BE A GuY WHO HAS TO PuT uP WITH EVEN A SINGuLAR THING!!!!  
uu: THINGS THIS AND THINGS THAT. WE'RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOuT FuCKING THINGS. WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THINGS????  
TT: Jesus fucking CHRIST.  
TT: _Shut the fuck up_ , god _damn_.  
TT: You are the fucking AT &T of people.  
uu: SORRY COuLD YOu REPEAT THAT.  
uu: I DON'T SPEAK DuMB FuCKING MORON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TT: Why the hell are you pestering me.  
TT: Please tell me what I need to say to make you go away.  
uu: OH.  
uu: I'M SuPPOSED TO BE APOLOGIZING I THINK.  
TT: You're off to a wonderful start, buddy.  
TT: Making me feel magnanimous as hell.  
TT: I'm practically tripping over all this fucking amnesty you're inspiring in me.  
TT: I'm gonna be handing this shit out like candy.  
TT: My forgiveness surplus is so fucking deep I'll even have enough to make it to the pedophiles, death row inmates and Tim Buckley.  
TT: I will transform the galaxy into a shining fucking utopia with the power of my boundless love and it's all because of you, buddy.  
TT: Pat yourself on the back for a job well fucking done.  
uu: OK SWEET.  
uu: ANYWAY SORRY.  
uu: WE'RE COOL NOW RIGHT??  
uu: I MEAN I'M STILL GONNA MuRDER YOu SLOWLY BuT I WANT uS TO BE COOL ABOuT IT. YOu DIG BRO??  
TT: Yeah, ok, whatever.  
uu: THAT'S GREAT.  
TT: Cool.  
TT: Bye.  
uu: WAIT. I'M NOT DONE YET.  
TT: Jesus dick, _what now?_  
uu: ABOuT THE HuMAN PENIS THING.  
TT: Are you kidding me?  
uu: NO?  
TT: Oh my god.  
uu: WELL. WILL YOu THINK ABOuT IT.  
TT: No.  
TT: No fucking way.  
TT: That is not a thing that is ever going to happen.  
TT: It's not even a possibility.  
TT: Give up.  
uu: ACTuALLY YOu DO.  
TT: What?  
uu: LIKE I JuST CHECKED. AND YOu DO SHOW ME YOuR HuMAN PENIS.  
TT: Bullshit.  
TT: I'm not going to be hoodwinked by some farcical suggestion of temporal inevitability.  
TT: That shit is old hat.  
uu: NO REALLY I'M NOT JOKING. I LOOKED.  
uu: LIKE IT LOOKS LIKE I KEEP BOTHERING YOu uNTIL YOu GET SO MAD YOu PuLL IT OuT JuST TO GET ME TO SHuT uP?  
uu: SO I GuESS  
uu: I'LL DO THAT.  
TT: No.  
uu: IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.  
uu: ACCEPT IT.  
TT: No.  
uu: ACCEPT MY EYES ON YOuR HuMAN PENIS DIRK.  
TT: No.  
uu: FuCKING!!  
uu: ACCEPT!!!!  
uu: IT!!!!!!!!!!  
TT:    
uu: OK.  
uu: I HAVE TO HAVE MYSELF A NAP NOW.  
uu: I'LL SEE YOuR HuMAN PENIS LATER DIRK.  
uu: BYE. 

undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering timaeusTestified [TT]

 

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT]

uu: I'M BACK.  
TT: Wonderful.  
uu: ANYWAY HAVE YOu THOuGHT ABOuT WHAT I SAID???  
TT: My answer hasn't changed.  
TT: Nor will it ever.  
uu: YEAH OK DuDE. KEEP TELLING YOuRSELF THAT.  
uu: I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.  
uu: AND IT INVOLVES YOuR BLOODY MEAT TuBE.  
uu: AND ME.  
uu: LOOKING AT IT.  
TT: Why don't you go ask to see Roxy's human penis instead?  
TT: I'm sure she'd be glad to show you.  
uu: WAIT ROXY HAS A HuMAN PENIS???  
uu: I THOuGHT ONLY MALE HuMANS HAD THEM.  
TT: Huh?  
TT: No, we all have them.  
TT: How would you piss without one?  
TT: I don't think it's even possible.  
TT: The stream would just run down your legs.  
TT: It would be a disaster.  
uu: HuH.  
uu: MAYBE WE HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN I THOuGHT.  
TT: You learn something new every day.  
TT: Anyway, go and ask her.  
TT: She shows me her penis all of the time.  
uu: SWEET OK. I'LL DO THAT.  
uu: THANKS DuDE.  
TT: No problem.

undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering timaeusTestified [TT]

 

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

uu: HELLO IRRITATING DRuNK HuMAN.  
TG: haaaaaaaaay u  
TG: wats up  
TG: *whats  
uu: I WAS JuST TALKING TO DIRK.  
TG: is that so???  
uu: YEAH IT'S SO. AND.  
uu: I WAS TRYING TO GET HIM TO SHOW ME HIS HuMAN PENIS.  
TG: hahahahahahaha wAHT  
TG: are you serious omfg  
uu: I'M NOT DONE. SHuT uP.  
TG: did he show you???  
uu: NO NOT YET.  
uu: BuT.  
uu: HE DID TELL ME.  
uu: THAT.  
uu: MAYBE YOu WOuLD???  
TG: that i would wat  
uu: SHOW ME YOuR HuMAN PENIS.  
TG: hahahahhahahhahahah  
TG: hahahahhahahhahahahah  
TG: hahahAHAHHHSHJHAHHHASI  
TG: LKSDJKHJHAUHu;gaysigfiyuhau  
TG: akkhb4hbsajhnf auhsfyga7  
uu: HuMAN STOP.  
TG: hkbsfdhgb sg y3gv gcgf3c3298d fnajbd  
uu: HuMAN STOP SMASHING YOuR KEYBOARD.  
TG: ljblh LDJKsb jb ik34nh89ads gvagc gf c4 r34;qhv v qvc q7we7f qygcvgfqkgb  
TG: aknmb an  
TG: 322j HBv sug89gvsdgv,mah  
TG: sksj  
uu: _*WOW* *FuCKING* *STOP!!!*_  
TG: anao  
TG: hehe anal  
TG: ok sorry but  
TG: lmfao does not even BEGIN  
TG: to describe the laughing that is takin place over here  
TG: my ass lfet my body ages ago  
TG: my ass an my body had a bitter divorce  
TG: my ass and my body ar fighyting an intense custody battle over my laughs  
uu: I KNOW.  
uu: I CAN FuCKING SEE YOu. MORON.  
uu: I WILL RELISH YOuR DEATH THE MOST.  
TG: i luv u 2 baby ;)  
TG: <3  
uu: uGH.  
uu: DISGuSTING.  
uu: SO ARE YOu GOING TO SHOW ME???  
uu: I DON'T HAVE ALL DAMN DAY. WORTHLESS NOOKSTAIN.  
TG: jeez SOME BODYs got his bulge all inna twist  
uu: WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOuT MY BuLGE  
uu: THOuGH.  
uu: IF YOu WANT TO SEE PICTuRES.  
TG: hahaha no im good thx  
TG: but  
TG: man i dont wanna be a big disapoointment or nuthin  
uu: WHAT IS IT?  
TG: humans hav very strict matin seasons  
TG: *have  
TG: our penises cant come out unitil fall  
uu: THAT'S HOOFBEASTSHIT. DIRK uSED HIS HuMAN PENIS JuST YESTERDAY ON YOuR TIMELINE.  
TG: omg  
TG: lol gosh dont u k now nethin about human anatomy  
TG: only boys can have their penises out all of the tiem  
TG: liek u know how girl humans actually carry their gurubs in their body???  
uu: YEAH.  
TG: WELL bcuz of that  
TG: we can only mate at certain times so the babbys will all b born when food is most palentiful  
TG: so when its not the mating season  
TG: the girl penises all shrink up into our bodies!!! an in its place we hav the hole the babby comez out for the rest of the year  
TG: *too many pos not gona try  
uu: WOW.  
uu: REALLY?  
TG: ya  
uu: THAT EXPLAINS A LOT ACTuALLY.  
uu: I'VE SEEN SOME OF YOuR HuMAN PORNOGRAPHY AND I WAS CONFuSED. BECAuSE MOSTLY I SEE YOuR HuMAN FEMALES WITH THEIR GRuB HOLES BuT I'VE SEEN A FEW WHERE THE HuMAN FEMALE DOES HAVE A PENIS AND I WASN'T SuRE WHAT TO THINK.  
uu: SO THOSE FILMS. WERE JuST NORMAL HuMAN FEMALES DuRING YOuR PAILING SEASON???  
TG: yup  
uu: THAT BASTARD KNEW YOu WOuLDN'T HAVE A PENIS TO SHOW ME RIGHT NOW.  
uu: HE'S GIVING ME A FuCKING RuNAROuND!!! CAN YOu _*BELIEVE*_ THIS SHIT??  
TG: yeah dirk can b a real dick sometimes  
TG: he should show u his dick 2 make up for it  
TG: dont take no for an answer lil u!!  
uu: I DON'T INTEND TO.  
uu: HE WILL PAY FOR HIS LIES.

undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

 

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT]

uu: YOu ARE SCuM.  
TT: Hahahahaha, you actually did it.  
uu: FuCK YOu.  
uu: DO YOu EXPECT ME TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOuT YOuR REVOLTING HuMAN ANATOMY???  
uu: BECAuSE I CAN'T DIRK. I DON'T SPEND EVERY FuCKING WAKING HOuR OF MY PITIFuL EXISTENCE STuDYING uP ON YOuR SLIME ENCRuSTED DANGLING PARTS SO I CAN WRITE FuLL LENGTH NOVELS ABOuT YOu COPuLATING WITH YOuR HuMAN ANCESTOR LuSuS IN THE MOST EXCRuCIATINGLY ACCuRATE DETAIL POSSIBLE.  
uu: uNLIKE SOME PEOPLE I KNOW.  
uu: I.  
uu: HAVE.  
uu: BETTER.  
uu: SHIT.  
uu: TO.  
uu: DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
TT: Um.  
TT: What?  
uu: NEVERMIND.  
uu: ANYWAY. YOu KNOW THIS ONLY MADE ME MORE DETERMINED TO SEE IT.  
TT: Hmm. Give me a moment.  
TT: I have to check to see if I've changed my mind.  
TT: Okay, I just checked.  
uu: AND??  
TT: The consensus is still...  
TT: "Holy fuck no."  
TT: "Go fuck yourself, you obtuse bastard."  
uu: I'M NEVER GOING TO STOP ASKING DIRK.  
uu: THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE THIS GO AWAY IS TO SHOW ME.  
TT: How about a picture instead?  
TT: Will that make you shut up?  
uu: FuCK NO YOu SHOW ME THE WHOLE THING ON THE TIMELINE.  
uu: ACTuALLY WAIT  
uu: HOLD ON. WAIT. YES. SEND ME A PICTuRE.  
uu: THAT'S FINE I CAN HAVE THAT FOR LATER.  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "0201161243.jpg"  
uu: WHAT THE FuCK. AM I LOOKING AT?  
TT: My penis, obviously.  
uu: NO. IT'S FuCKING NOT.  
uu: SERIOuSLY. HOW GuLLIBLE DO YOu THINK I AM??  
TT: Really gullible?  
uu: FuCK YOu.  
uu: IT'S NOT EVEN THE RIGHT COLOR.  
uu: I SAW YOuR PATHETIC PIDDLER JuST THE OTHER DAY. I FuCKING REMEMBER IT.  
uu: THE SHAPE IS ALL OFF. THIS IS WAY TOO BIG.  
uu: WHOSE PENIS IS THIS???  
TT: Do you seriously not know what you're looking at?  
uu: DEFINITELY NOT YOuR FuCKING HuMAN PENIS? WHICH WAS THE AGREEMENT!  
TT: Well,  
TT: It's kind of a horse's penis?  
uu: WOW.  
uu: WHY DO YOu HAVE A PICTuRE OF A HORSE'S PENIS??  
TT: "A" picture?  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "horsedick.jpg"  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "horsedick2.jpg"  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "appaloosa mottled.jpg"  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "equine flesh.jpg"  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "secretariat.jpg"  
uu: WOW. STOP SENDING ME PICTuRES OF HORSE PENISES??  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "ROANBONE.jpg"  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "chance the stallion.jpg"  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "bowelbuster.gif"  
uu: WHAT THE FuCK?  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "seabiscuits frothy ocean foam.jpg"  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "abyssiniandelight.jpg"  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "charliehorse14.jpg"  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "charliehorse32.jpg"  
uu: WHY DO YOu HAVE SO MANY.  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "red rum in a big bum.jpg"  
uu: STOP.  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "arabian nights.jpg"  
uu: PLEASE STOP.  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "MUSTANGxXx.avi"  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "takingthedraft.avi"  
uu: ARE THOSE FuCKING VIDEOS???  
uu: OH MY FuCKING GOD.  
timaeusTestified [TT] sent undyingUmbrage [uu] file "mrhands.avi"  
uu: I DON'T  
uu: WANT TO SEE ANY MORE HORSE PENISES.  
TT: You sure?  
TT: There's plenty more where that came from.  
uu: I'M SuRE.  
uu: I'M JuST GOING TO.  
uu: GO.

undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering timaeusTestified [TT]

 

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering timaeusTestified [TT]

uu: OK.  
uu: I'VE HAD SOME TIME TO THINK.  
uu: AND WHILE IT FuCKING REVOLTS ME THAT YOu HAVE POSSIBLY HuNDREDS OF PICTuRES AND VIDEOS OF HOOFBEAST GENITALIA.  
uu: LEAVING YOu ALONE WOuLD MEAN YOu WIN.  
uu: SO I STILL WANT TO SEE YOuR HuMAN PENIS.  
uu: EVEN IF IT IS A NASTY HORSE FuCKING PENIS.  
TT: Have you ever considered that maybe I have hundreds of pictures and videos of hoofbeast genitalia on my computer, only for the simple joy it brings me to see others' reactions to my hundreds of pictures and videos of hoofbeast genitalia?  
uu: DuDE.  
uu: NOBODY. AND I MEAN NOBODY.  
uu: HAS THAT MuCH HORSE HONKER ON THEIR MACHINE AS A JOKE.  
uu: DON'T TRY TO HIDE BEHIND YOuR HuMAN IRONIES.  
uu: YOu THINK ABOuT SLuRPING PONY PECKER EVERY DAMN DAY. DON'T YOu??  
TT: Well, _one_ of us certainly appears to be thinking about slurping pony pecker.  
uu: FuCKING GROSS DuDE.  
uu: YOu ARE DAMN GROSS.  
uu: NOW SHOW ME YOuR FuCKING DICK MAYBE?  
TT: Wow, bossy.  
TT: This is no way to treat a lady.  
uu: FuCK YOu. YOu ALREADY DID THIS.  
uu: YOu CAN'T ESCAPE BY TRYING TO CONFuSE ME ABOuT YOuR DuMB ANATOMIES AGAIN.  
uu: COME ON BuDDY LET'S GO.  
TT: Oh my fucking god.  
TT: Fine.  
uu: HEHEHEHE.  
TT: Are you happy?  
uu: WHAT NO THAT'S THE FLOPPY ONE. I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT ONE.  
uu: YOu'RE SuPPOSED TO SHOW ME THE BIG ONE.  
TT: Are you serious?  
TT: I explained to you how it works.  
uu: YEAH WHATEVER. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. SHOW ME THE ONE THAT LOOKS GOOD.  
TT: No.  
uu: WHY THE FuCK NOT???  
uu: YOu'RE ALREADY SHOWING ME MIGHT AS WELL GO ALL THE WAY RIGHT.  
TT: Because showing you my erect penis would require me to either be aroused or to stimulate myself to the point of arousal.  
TT: And I'm definitely not anywhere in the fucking universe of aroused right now.  
TT: And I'm certainly fucking not going to jack off for you.  
uu: WHY?  
TT: Because you're terrible.  
uu: YEAH. BuT YOu DID WHEN I CHECKED THE TIMELINE.  
uu: SO. YOu'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO.  
TT: No.  
TT: I'm not.  
uu: COME ON.  
uu: DO THE BEATY THING.  
uu: MAKE THE WHITE STuFF COME OuT.  
uu: I LIKE THAT PART IN YOuR HuMAN FILMS.  
TT: No.  
uu: YOu MAY AS WELL GET IT OVER WITH.  
uu: I MEAN. I'LL JuST KEEP BOTHERING YOu ABOuT IT uNTIL YOu DO.  
uu: BuT!!  
uu: IF YOu DO THE BEATY THING I WON'T ASK YOu TO DO IT EVER AGAIN. *THAT'S A FuCKING PROMISE!!*  
uu: WHAT WILL IT BE DIRK?  
uu: A FuCKING LIFETIME OF MY LASER GuIDED TEXTuAL TORMENT.  
uu: OR FIVE MINuTES POPPING YOuR SICKENINGLY TuMESCENT OBLONG BEEF ZIT???  
TT: I...  
TT: Don't know whether to be disgusted by that metaphor, impressed that I'm disgusted by that metaphor, or insulted by the insinuation I'd only last five minutes?  
uu: HOW ABOuT ALL THREE FOR STARTERS YOu uSELESS SACK OF SHIT???  
uu: ALSO FuCKING PROVE IT??  
TT: I can't believe I'm going to do this.  
uu: YEAH OK BuDDY. SHuT uP.  
uu: GET YOuR SMELLY SAuSAGE FINGERS OFF YOuR KEYBOARD. AND ONTO YOuR PATHETICALLY LIMP SAuSAGE.  
TT: Let me switch to the client on my glasses so I can at least complain about it while I do it.  
uu: FINE WHATEVER.  
uu: HuRRY uP BuLGEWIPE. I DON'T WANT TO GET CAuGHT.  
TT: Ugh. You're not seriously going to masturbate to this, are you?  
uu: WOW ARE YOu FuCKING *STuPID*???  
uu: HOW FuCKING STuPID DO YOu EVEN HAVE TO BE.  
uu: TO BE SO FuCKING STuPID???  
uu: WHAT ELSE DID YOu THINK I WANTED TO WATCH THIS FOR SHITFORBRAINS.  
TT: ... Point taken.  
uu: GOD YOu'RE FuCKING STuPID. uSuALLY YOu'RE THE LEAST STuPID HuMAN. BuT TODAY YOu'RE THE STuPIDEST HuMAN EASILY.  
uu: THAT'S IMPRESSIVE. BECAuSE HuMANS ARE FuCKING STuPID.  
TT: And today you're easily the most loathsome shitty alien!  
TT: We can unite in our superlatives.  
uu: WOW.  
uu: THAT'S COMING ON A LITTLE STRONG A LITTLE SOON. DON'T YOu THINK??  
uu: I MEAN.  
uu: DO YOu... REALLY THINK I'M LOATHSOME? umu  
TT: Oh god.  
TT: Alien romance.  
TT: Forgot I said that thing.  
TT: Are you going to stop distracting me so I can start.  
uu: OH YEAH SORRY. GO AHEAD.  
TT: Fine.  
uu: uGH. IT'S SO. SMALL AND FLOPPY.  
TT: Give me a minute, Jesus.  
uu: WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG???  
TT: Dude, it has been literally ten seconds.  
TT: Calm the fuck down.  
uu: DO YOu HAVE A DISEASE??  
uu: A DISEASE THAT MAKES YOuR HuMAN PENIS SMALL AND FLOPPY??  
TT: I am going to ignore every thing that you say that has small and floppy in it.  
uu: WELL FuCKING *EXCuSE ME!!!* FOR TRYING TO BLACKEN THE MOOD A LITTLE?  
TT: Humans don't need to have their mood "blackened".  
TT: For future reference, humans generally don't respond positively to having the size of their junk insulted.  
TT: Except when they do, I guess.  
uu: DuMB.  
uu: OH THERE IT GOES. FINALLY.   
TT: Yes, I told you it would go.  
TT: This is how it works.  
uu: YEAH OK.  
uu: THAT'S A LOT BETTER.  
uu: IT'S NOT SMALL ANYMORE.  
TT: It is most certainly not.  
uu: WIPE THAT SHIT EATING GRIN OFF YOuR FACE.  
uu: YOu HAVE NOTHING TO BE PROuD OF.  
TT: Sure I don't.  
uu: YEAH. YOu DON'T!!  
TT: Are you jealous?  
TT: Do you have some tiny little tentacle dong?  
uu: IT'S NOT TINY. FuCK YOu BuLGEBREATH.  
TT: You seem like a guy who would have just this minuscule little schlong.  
TT: All those capital letters. You're clearly compensating for something.  
TT: Maybe you're the one with the small floppy penis disease.  
uu: OH GOD  
TT: ... I keep forgetting this shit is probably like legit dirty talk for you.  
TT: p.s. Cleared five minutes. That's proven.  
uu: DuDE. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. FIVE MINuTES IS NOTHING. I WAS JuST BAITING YOu.  
TT: I realized.  
TT: But could I pass up an opportunity to firmly establish my inestimable virility?  
TT: I think not.  
uu: YOu ARE SO FuLL OF SHIT. YOu'RE BASICALLY THIS BIG WALKING CONTAINER SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR BEING FuLL OF SHIT.  
TT: Like, an anthropomorphic septic tank?  
uu: SuRE WHY NOT.  
uu: SOMETHING REALLY BIG AND SHITTY.  
TT: Do you have a scat fetish?  
TT: It hardly seems like you're in a position to judge my collection of horse dicks if you're into shit.  
uu: WHAT THE FuCK NO.  
TT: Would you also like me to "give you the chocolate", as it were?  
uu: uuuuGGHHHHH. SHuT uP.  
uu: DON'T SAY THAT. SERIOuSLY. I'M TRYING TO GET OFF. OK.  
uu: YOu'RE RuINING IT.  
TT: That's rather the point.  
uu: WELL STOP IT.  
TT: Are you done yet?  
uu: DO YOu FuCKING THINK I'M DONE YET??  
TT: I don't know. I'm not the one with the omnitemporal viewport.  
uu: WELL. I'M NOT.  
uu: ALMOST THOuGH?  
TT: Well, can I finish?  
TT: I have shit to do that isn't being sexually harassed by a scat fetishist alien.  
uu: FINE. GO AHEAD.  
uu: ALSO. I'M NOT FuCKING INTO SHIT. SHuT uP.  
TT: Whatever you say, pal.  
uu: OH GOD.  
uu: I FuCKING HATE YOu. SO MuCH.  
uu: THE DAY I WATCH YOu DIE. WILL BE THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.  
TT: I take it you're done now?  
uu: YEAH I'M DONE.  
uu: THANKS DuDE.  
TT: Glad to...  
TT: Nah, not glad. Just fuck you.  
uu: ALSO BY THE WAY.  
TT: What?  
uu: I WAS TOTALLY LYING ABOuT THE TIMELINE THING. I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK.  
TT: ...  
uu: NOT HOODWINKED BY MY FARCICAL SuGGESTIONS OF TEMPORAL INEVITABILITY???  
uu: OLD HAT???  
uu: NAH DOG. THIS SHIT'S AS HATLESS AS YOUR JuVENILE HuMAN SKuLL.  
uu: HAHAHAHAHA!  
uu: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
uu: HAHAHA.  
uu: SMELL YOu LATER. SHIT TRAIL.

undyingUmbrage [uu] ceased jeering timaeusTestified [TT]

**Author's Note:**

> i fully expect all of this to be laughably out of character within about three days of posting


End file.
